Hit Me

Hello friends,

I have an old ex friend who is in some trouble. Quite a bit of trouble I hear. Now, I haven't spoken to him but I think the root of all his trouble is that he has a gambling problem. I tried to get him to bet with me, back in the day, and he wouldn't bet more than a soda. Hell, that's no fun. Now I hear he's been flyin' off to LasVegas and haunting the casinos around here. Let me tell you something, I am a bit of a sporting man myself. More than most I suppose. And believe me, I have seen those faces across the table from me. That look of despair. They don't look mad, they look like their whole world has collapsed. Like they are about to puke. Whether they lost the grocery money or their life savings or the money they stole from work which they planed to sneak back after they get back to even is irrelevant. They all look like they are gonna slit their wrists. There is nothing worse than a degenerate gamble who is desperate and playing on tilt. You can pick them out. You can smell the blood in the water. I always feel bad for them, but they are easy money so the sharks circle.

So here are my fool proof gaming tips to keep you out of trouble.

Now, these are not for you who (you who? Oh youuuu whoooo) take their 20 dollars and head out for a night of high jinx and fun. These tips are for you who take some cash to the casino to gamble.

1) Learn how to play the game before your dumb ass ever sits down in front of a dealer. In 21 there is only one play for each hand. EVER. If you don't know what they are, don't play until you do. Now, this doesn't mean your gonna win, your just playing the odds. I don't play 21 here. I think it's ludicrous to have to ante. Why would I pay someone to play a game that's already in there favor? But If you want to know how to play, email me.

2) Every one has a uncle who has a system and kills'um in Atlantic City. Bull shit. There are no systems on how to win, there are only ways to put the odds more in your favor.

3) Don't play for the adrenalin rush, play for the money.

4) Don't play on tilt. Never let your emotions control your gambling. Never play mad, depressed, sad, sick, gloomy, etc.

5) Never play to catch up. When it's gone it's gone. Let it go.

6) Never gamble with the grocery money.

7) Control your losses. This one is kinda in depth. If you want to know how, send me an email and I will explain it.

8) Pay attention to what the hell you are doing. Do you think that the casino owners in LasVegas have those waitresses boobs all hanging out cause they like boobs? No, it's because boobs like me, who like boobs, get distracted when they see boobs. That's why.

9) Stay sober. Drugs are OK if they are the right kind of gambling drugs....kidding, just kidding. Drugs are bad.

10) It's easy to know when to walk away a loser, but more important, you need to know when to walk away a winner.

11) If you are winning, you tip. People around here don't tip. If your winning you tip your dealer, the waitress, the cashier, the valet, the chick with the funny hair in the gift shop, etc.

12) And last, it's LasVegas not Vegas and it's 21 not blackjack.

So, are we cool? It only takes a blink of an eye to lose it all. Don't end up like my ol' ex friend. Believe me, he's in hot water.

***

A few years back I was walking through the Forum Shops at Cesar's Palace and low and behold guess who walks out of Versace? Johnny Ramone and his wife, that's who. We chatted for about 5 minutes. Now friends, I have said some dumb things in my day but let me tell you, that night I strung a plethora of idiotic statements together that would have made Rain Man sound like Copernicus. Oh well, I gotta go to K-mart and get some underwear....yeah.


Adios,
~e~