The I.R.S Stormtroopers

Stand by for a word from the head of the Internal Revenue Service
You must pay your estimated taxes quarterly but not in equal quarters, the first quarter will only be 2 months, which doesn't really make it a quarter, but we will call it a quarter even tho it's not. Don't screw this up or you will pay for it for the rest of your life.

Hello Friends,

Just a note about A. Joseph Stack III. He's the half-wit that flew a Piper PA-28 (that's a teeny tiny little four seat plane) into the IRS building in Austin, TX. I guess that Joe wrote some long drawn out manifesto to explain why he was doing this and how he hated the I.R.S. You know, it seems that no one really noticed Joe when he was alive, so why would he think we would listen to him after he joined the choir invisible? I can sum up his rambling rant in three words for y'all. I'll make it real simple. Ready? He's an ijit! There you go, easy as you please.

Joe wrote 'the only thing that matters is a body count', or something along those lines. Well, Joe got a whopping two bodies to count...if you count his stupid mangled corpse, that is. It seems he is a big a screw up in death as he was in life. Let me break it down for you, you see, a Boeing 767 (like the one that hit tower one) holds about 30,000 gallons of fuel...give or take. A Piper PA-28 holds roughly 50 gallons. Now, I am not a smart man but even my little pea brain can do the math here. Also, the plane that hit tower one was going about 500 mph. A PA-28 does about 148 mph. It's a good thing that Stack wasn't smart enough to pick a better way to get a 'body count'. It sucks the he killed a guy. I don't know who he was, but he was probably just some poor sap who was just tiring to get by like the rest of us. You accomplished nothing Joe, you moron. Well....I guess you did do one thing good, now the world is less one stupid person, and I don't mean the other guy.

Now, as far as the I.R.S. is concerned...well...to put it bluntly... they're a bunch of Nazis. If you have ever had them on your ass, your in trouble man. Butchers! I understand how Joe Stack felt cause I've been there. Those f**kers will beat you and beat you and beat down and wont let you up. It doesn't matter how bad you want to fix the situation, they give you no options except getting deeper in the hole. It is the worst feeling in the world when there seems to be no way out. You can't sleep at night. It makes you sick to your stomach. You are constantly being crushed by the weight of helplessness and despair, but flying a Piper into the I.R.S. office is not the answer. I don't know what the answer is, but it ain't that. That much I do know.



Adios,
~e~

Arthur Fonzarelli, Johnny Weir, and the Gay Ducks

Hello friends,

I am sick to death of all this politically correct crap. See, I guess these two Australian sports commentators made a crack about men's figure skating, "They don't leave anything in the locker room, these blokes, do they?" Then the other dude said "They don't leave anything in the closet, either, do they?"

What's so bad about that? It's even kinda funny. They didn't say "Let's go string one up!" or "They're all gonna go strait to hell!" or "Those sick fruities should be boiled in liquid whip-its." did they? Every body needs to lighten up for Christs sake. I put grease on my hair and have big side burns. You don't think I haven't heard my fair share of Elvis, Fonzie, and truck driver jokes. I don't care, cause I kinda look like that.

Then, after all the complaining and bitching from all the 'offended' folks, those guys apologized. The first one said "I made a joke that was a bit off-color. Some of the crew here didn't like it either. I suggested that there was a disaster happening at the ice skating rink because organizers had found out one of the male ice dancers wasn't gay. I apologize for that really sincerely." Then the other cat said "But it definitely wasn't this guy" then cutting to a shot of champion American figure skater Johnny Weir in a pink and black outfit that resembled a corset. That's pretty funny, I think.

Just because it walks like a gay duck and talks like a gay duck and dresses like a gay duck and acts like a gay duck, doesn't necessarily mean it's a gay duck. But it shouldn't be surprised if some of the other barn yard animals call it a homo.

or...

Just because it walks like fat, 70's, jumpsuit Elvis and talks like a hillbilly and dresses like Jerry Reed in that Smokey and the Bandit movie, doesn't mean it's a over weight, screwed up, idiot. But it shouldn't be surprised if some of the other barn yard animals call it Eddy.

Now I've gone and done it. Not only have I offended the 'gay' community but I've offended the 'me' community ta boot. I hate when I have to boycott and picket myself. Well, I better gitta making me a sign. DOWN WITH FAKE FONZARELLI!!!

I'm gonna do a little braggin' here but I would say that I own the best collection of truck drivin' records it this here state. I know your all jealous of that, and I'm sorry for rubbin' it in, but it's true.

Here are two of my fav-O-rites.

Double clutchin' weasel. I LOVE that line!


Adios,
~e~

'Drowning In The Shallow End Of The Dream Pool' Part 1

Hello friends,

Well, here is a bit of the rough draft from the dumb ol' book I'm

writin' 'Drowning In The Shallow End Of The Dream Pool'.

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So here I am, standing at the crossroads of my life...well, actually I'm standing in front of the Cricket phone payment center, waiting for it to open. Some how my unlimited calls for $49.00 has turned into unlimited calls for 230 smackers. I'm not sure how this is gonna pan out, but you can bet your bottom dollar I will end up on the short end of the stick by the time this fiasco is over with. You know, I got a cricket phone cause 1) it was unlimited calls, text, and long distance for one set price, and 2) cause the Cricket joint was right by my house, and it would have taken a little effort to go some where else. At that time I didn't realize that a persons social status could be based on their cell phone provider, but apparently it can. I couldn't understand why, until after I got a gander at the freak show waiting to get in to that place (I always pay my bill by phone so I don't get to hang out here much) It appears that theory has got some merit slapped on it. Christ, am I one of them? I feel like a cross between Albert Einstein and Brad Pitt in that group of side show oddities. And friends let me tell you, I'm not smart or good lookin'. So now, this has got me to thinkin' (Were back to the crossroads thing now. Try and keep up, please) I am at the lowest level, of the bottom level, of my life levels. No job, my relationship is on the skids, I'm broke, my truck is worn out, I am over weight, and on and on and so forth. So, I am giving myself one year to get my life back in order. This book will be my journal for the next 12 months, to see if I can turn things around. The way I see it, I don't have much choice. So friends, I'm givin' you a ticket to witness, first hand, my flight over the rainbow and ascend in to the heavens or to watch a crappy ol' farm house mash me into the ground while a bunch of midgets dance the merengue. Let's all see how this whole mess I have created is gonna turn out, shall we?

(This is kinda like watching Evil Knievel jump over a bunch of buses or somethin'. You know he has a chance to make it, but in back of your mind you know he will probably wind up rupturing his spline and telescoping his stupid spine)

Oh, by the way, the Cricket people made a mistake on my phone bill and I didn't owe the 230 bucks after all. Things are lookin' up already!

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Here is a little song for y'all.



Adios,
~e~

9/11 Conspiracy Questions

Hello friends,

I watched this show the other day about how the United States government was responsible for the terror attacks on 9/11. I watched some snot nosed kid, who made some crappy You Tube movie, and a few other crack pots go back and forth with a professor from M.I.T. and the head of engineering at Purdue University. Now, since I'm not so smart as y'all, I have a couple of question I wish some one would clear up for me.

1) These bone heads, who call them selves 'truthers' (is that grammatically correct?) say that a plane wasn't flown in to the Pentagon, rather that it was hit with a cruise missile. Now my question is, how and where did the government murder all the passengers and crew of flight 77? And how did they stuff the bodies into the building after the explosion or did they covertly plant them in there before it blew up? I think some one would have noticed a truck load of corpses being delivered, don't you?

2) The truthers claim that the planes that hit the twin towers were remote control and the buildings were brought down by a 'controlled demolition'. Wouldn't it have been easier to leave the planes out of the equation and just say that Mohammad Atta put a bomb in the janitors closet or down in the pump room?

3) And as far as the 'controlled demolition' is concerned, they say the reason there were no detonators found was because the government used some secrete explosive device that nobody knows about. Well....I hate to look stupider, but how the hell do they know about it if nobody knows about it?

4) They say that Flight 93 was faked. I guess they murdered those guys at the same place as the cats from Flight 77, but what I don't get is, why fake a crash in a field? Why wouldn't you crash it in to something important also?

5) Here is a good one, aren't fellas from M.I.T. and Purdue more smarter than a gaggle of blithering idiots?

6) And lastly, how is it that all the people involved in this thing can keep there fat traps shut? I don't know one person that can keep a secrete, much less hundreds.

Well friends, I hope someone out there can help me out with this.

You know, I think that some people are afraid to think that something as horrific as the actions that occurred on 9/11 could be as simple as some asshole flying a plane into a building. They don't want to believe it could be that easy. Because, if it is that easy, then whats gonna happen tomorrow?

Here is a song about flying on plane.


Adios,
~e~

Activia, Nutrisystem, and the Snake

--------------------------Kenny 'the Snake' Stabler

Hello Friends,

My pop has a plethora of sayings, and two of them are ~
1) Ignorance runs ramped.
B) There are more stupid people than there are smart people. (You may fall in to this category, so pay attention )

For example, if you don't know what a word or phrase means, then ask some one or look it up. Just because Activia yogurt has 'Bifidus Regularis' doesn't mean it's good for you. Hell, for all you know, Bifidus Regularis, could be Latino for a bunch of mashed up worms or somethin'. Or that Nutrisystem uses the 'glisemic index'. What the hell is that? That sounds like something I was suppose to do on my senior term paper...but didn't.

Don't fall for the "It's real man food" B.S. If Danny boy Marino was a real man he would have won a Super Bowl. You wouldn't catch Kenny Stabler doing a Nutrisystem commercial...unless they start a cocaine and hooker program (Count me in, Snake!) Also, it looks like Lawrence Taylor is back on crack....it's sad.

If some diet plan, money makin' scheme, or fancy work out gizmo tells you that "It's easy!" or "You can eat what ever you want!" or "Good as new!" or "Make a million dollars for doing nothing!" or "Lose weight while watching TV!" or "Get your bachelors degree in physics in three weeks, on-line!" or "Works in seconds and holds up to 1000 pounds!" or "We can't do this all day!" or "I lost 127 bounds in 8 minutes!" or "And now, because I attended Shifties get rich seminar, I earn $15,000.00 every half hour!" or "It can't fail, it has 'Lowsiferius Bluclride Fossfate' added!" or "I got this rock hard stomach by eating lard and playing peaknuckle with the boys!" or "Don't accept imitations. These are real Diamells" or "Buy this, you idget!", if they say one of those, don't buy it.

Remember, just because they "double" the offer, doesn't mean it's a good deal. As a matter of fact, two pieces of crap are worse than one piece of crap.

New and improved? How the hell can it be 'new' AND 'improved'? And what were you selling me before, a sub par product?

Don't be stupid! If you think that the girls on those late night chat line commercials are the girls you'll be a chatin' with, then you are not gonna be much help with advancing the human race.

THINK! Question everything. If it sounds to good to be true......

The Snake

When Axl Rose told Kurt Cobain he was going to "take him to the pavement" back stage at the MTV Music Awards Show (Kurt was holding his new born daughter at the time) Lar's (the guitar player with the yellow shirt) said "What abut me, Hansel?". Axl bowed up and Lars knocked one of his (Axl's) front teeth out.
This is Rancid bangin' 'Time Bomb'



Hell's bells, that sounded so good I'm gonna play another.
Here is 'Salvation'
"Cool baby, won't you show me what you got, yeah?"


Adios,
~e~

Next time your having a boys night out and some smokin' hot dolly is hittin' on you and acts like everything you say is interesting, remember these words.....Check-A-Mate.

Trenton 'Dozer' Beaver

Hello friends,

Well, today I was gonna write and tell y'all a bit about my book 'Drowning In The Shallow End Of The Dream Pool' and give y'all a couple of lines from it....but....let me back up a smidgen. Everything I write, I write in my e-mail. That way I can access it from any PC and if Squeaky Pete decided to crash and burn, I would still have it. So, today I go to my e-mail and I see that my friend Judi was asked to send out a prayer request from a old classmate, Joe Miller. This is what it said...

...Tenton "Dozer" Beaver....has been diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer called glioblastoma multiforme that has only been diagnosed in just a dozen or so children. In early December, Trenton started experiencing seizures which sent him to St. Francis Hospital in Tulsa.....Dozer had brain surgery and the doctor gave the family the most devastating and horrible news that parent or grand parent could hear. Dozer had 3 malignant brain tumors, two were operable with no promises and the other one was too deep to get to without permanently destroying all motor skills on the left side of his body. The biopsy revealed a very aggressive, rare form of cancer with a harsh prognosis, they basically told them to take Dozer home and let him enjoy his Christmas because without a miracle this would most likely be his last.....Dozer could sure use any extra prayers anyone could spare to send up in his behalf. Thanks in advance for all your help.....a Care Page set up in Dozers name so if any one wants to read and follow his progress, please feel free to do so...Here is the link to his page.

https://www.carepages.com/carepages/TrentonBeaver

I went to this web site to check on Trenton 'Dozer' and this what I read...

...Trenton is back in the hospital and having a tough day.
Please pray for peace, rest, and strength for Dozer.

Makes my stupid book seem kinda insignificant. The next person I hear bitch about how crappy their Christmas was is gonna hear about Trenton and then get busted right in the teeth, I swear.

So, my friends, what ever you do to channel your powers, whether it's praying or chanting or dancing around the camp fire, get to doin' it. Even if you don't really believe in anything, just put some positive thoughts out there for Trenton and his family.

Here is a tune I post from time to time. It means the world to me on so many different levels. I hope you can dig it. This is for Dozer from me and all of my people.


Adios,
~e~

Tiger Woods vs. The Taliban

Hello friends,

I think it is great that there have been two crazies try to blow up planes here in the U.S., suicide bombers blasting Americans to kingdom come in Afghanistan, unemployment through the freaking' roof, not to mention all the starving people on our city streets, and all I here from the media is about that stupid Tiger Woods. Wow, it's hard to believe that a good lookin' gazillionaire is giving' a bunch of chicks a 'damn good seenin' too'. How we all love to watch peoples lives crumble right before our eyes. Now, that's news! Give me more.

Here is some news. My good friend Jason 'C-Note' Baker is playin' with Joan Jett now days. Check him out here strummin' and doin' a little back up singin'.


Adios,
~e~