NEWS FLASH

BREAKING NEWS!!!

The bosses at the Arrvest Bank thought it would be in their best intrest to NOT let me talk to Mr. Biggity Big Shot. They cleared the check before I could ask him about Rory. Cowards. It's a shame really. We might have became friends. Who knows? He might invite me to have brunch and play a round of golf with him at Southeren Hills. And I, in return, would see if he would like to do some dope and bang a hooker over on the West side.

Adios,
~e~

Eddy and Arrvest Bank Throw Down!

Hello friends,

The gloves are of and anything goes. You see, I deposited a check from and investment company last Tuesday. On Wednesday I called the bank to get my balance to make sure that their numbers jived with mine. Low and behold, I'm over drawn. What?!?! It seems that my wonderful bank put a hold on the check until March 4th, (The deposit was on February 24th) but they didn't tell me. They have never held a check of mine before with out letting me know about it. Now, not getting any satisfaction from the gal I was talking to, I asked to talk to her boss. The nice lady told me that her boss would tell me the same thing...which he did. So, I asked to talk to his boss, who was conveniently out of the office. Soooo, I called back this morning. The boss was busy, I was told. Sooooooo, I asked to talk to the bosses boss. That dude says "But that is the regional president". "Perfect!" I said "That sounds like a cat who can get things done!" I told him. He puts me on hold for a while then tells me that his secretaries line is busy. Busy??? "I'll hold" I told him. Now I'm on hold for about 5 minutes when that fella comes back on and asked me what my phone number was so that they could have him (Mr. Bigshot) call me back.

I'm still waiting. I figure that eventually somebody won't want my dumb ass to talk to their boss and they will release my damn check. We'll see.

If I do get to talk to the 'regional president', I think I'm gonna ask him if he digs Rory Gallagher...which he will...cause...well...doesn't everybody?


Arrvest come out to play-yay!


Adios,
~e~

The I.R.S Stormtroopers

Stand by for a word from the head of the Internal Revenue Service
You must pay your estimated taxes quarterly but not in equal quarters, the first quarter will only be 2 months, which doesn't really make it a quarter, but we will call it a quarter even tho it's not. Don't screw this up or you will pay for it for the rest of your life.

Hello Friends,

Just a note about A. Joseph Stack III. He's the half-wit that flew a Piper PA-28 (that's a teeny tiny little four seat plane) into the IRS building in Austin, TX. I guess that Joe wrote some long drawn out manifesto to explain why he was doing this and how he hated the I.R.S. You know, it seems that no one really noticed Joe when he was alive, so why would he think we would listen to him after he joined the choir invisible? I can sum up his rambling rant in three words for y'all. I'll make it real simple. Ready? He's an ijit! There you go, easy as you please.

Joe wrote 'the only thing that matters is a body count', or something along those lines. Well, Joe got a whopping two bodies to count...if you count his stupid mangled corpse, that is. It seems he is a big a screw up in death as he was in life. Let me break it down for you, you see, a Boeing 767 (like the one that hit tower one) holds about 30,000 gallons of fuel...give or take. A Piper PA-28 holds roughly 50 gallons. Now, I am not a smart man but even my little pea brain can do the math here. Also, the plane that hit tower one was going about 500 mph. A PA-28 does about 148 mph. It's a good thing that Stack wasn't smart enough to pick a better way to get a 'body count'. It sucks the he killed a guy. I don't know who he was, but he was probably just some poor sap who was just tiring to get by like the rest of us. You accomplished nothing Joe, you moron. Well....I guess you did do one thing good, now the world is less one stupid person, and I don't mean the other guy.

Now, as far as the I.R.S. is concerned...well...to put it bluntly... they're a bunch of Nazis. If you have ever had them on your ass, your in trouble man. Butchers! I understand how Joe Stack felt cause I've been there. Those f**kers will beat you and beat you and beat down and wont let you up. It doesn't matter how bad you want to fix the situation, they give you no options except getting deeper in the hole. It is the worst feeling in the world when there seems to be no way out. You can't sleep at night. It makes you sick to your stomach. You are constantly being crushed by the weight of helplessness and despair, but flying a Piper into the I.R.S. office is not the answer. I don't know what the answer is, but it ain't that. That much I do know.



Adios,
~e~

Arthur Fonzarelli, Johnny Weir, and the Gay Ducks

Hello friends,

I am sick to death of all this politically correct crap. See, I guess these two Australian sports commentators made a crack about men's figure skating, "They don't leave anything in the locker room, these blokes, do they?" Then the other dude said "They don't leave anything in the closet, either, do they?"

What's so bad about that? It's even kinda funny. They didn't say "Let's go string one up!" or "They're all gonna go strait to hell!" or "Those sick fruities should be boiled in liquid whip-its." did they? Every body needs to lighten up for Christs sake. I put grease on my hair and have big side burns. You don't think I haven't heard my fair share of Elvis, Fonzie, and truck driver jokes. I don't care, cause I kinda look like that.

Then, after all the complaining and bitching from all the 'offended' folks, those guys apologized. The first one said "I made a joke that was a bit off-color. Some of the crew here didn't like it either. I suggested that there was a disaster happening at the ice skating rink because organizers had found out one of the male ice dancers wasn't gay. I apologize for that really sincerely." Then the other cat said "But it definitely wasn't this guy" then cutting to a shot of champion American figure skater Johnny Weir in a pink and black outfit that resembled a corset. That's pretty funny, I think.

Just because it walks like a gay duck and talks like a gay duck and dresses like a gay duck and acts like a gay duck, doesn't necessarily mean it's a gay duck. But it shouldn't be surprised if some of the other barn yard animals call it a homo.

or...

Just because it walks like fat, 70's, jumpsuit Elvis and talks like a hillbilly and dresses like Jerry Reed in that Smokey and the Bandit movie, doesn't mean it's a over weight, screwed up, idiot. But it shouldn't be surprised if some of the other barn yard animals call it Eddy.

Now I've gone and done it. Not only have I offended the 'gay' community but I've offended the 'me' community ta boot. I hate when I have to boycott and picket myself. Well, I better gitta making me a sign. DOWN WITH FAKE FONZARELLI!!!

I'm gonna do a little braggin' here but I would say that I own the best collection of truck drivin' records it this here state. I know your all jealous of that, and I'm sorry for rubbin' it in, but it's true.

Here are two of my fav-O-rites.

Double clutchin' weasel. I LOVE that line!


Adios,
~e~

'Drowning In The Shallow End Of The Dream Pool' Part 1

Hello friends,

Well, here is a bit of the rough draft from the dumb ol' book I'm

writin' 'Drowning In The Shallow End Of The Dream Pool'.

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So here I am, standing at the crossroads of my life...well, actually I'm standing in front of the Cricket phone payment center, waiting for it to open. Some how my unlimited calls for $49.00 has turned into unlimited calls for 230 smackers. I'm not sure how this is gonna pan out, but you can bet your bottom dollar I will end up on the short end of the stick by the time this fiasco is over with. You know, I got a cricket phone cause 1) it was unlimited calls, text, and long distance for one set price, and 2) cause the Cricket joint was right by my house, and it would have taken a little effort to go some where else. At that time I didn't realize that a persons social status could be based on their cell phone provider, but apparently it can. I couldn't understand why, until after I got a gander at the freak show waiting to get in to that place (I always pay my bill by phone so I don't get to hang out here much) It appears that theory has got some merit slapped on it. Christ, am I one of them? I feel like a cross between Albert Einstein and Brad Pitt in that group of side show oddities. And friends let me tell you, I'm not smart or good lookin'. So now, this has got me to thinkin' (Were back to the crossroads thing now. Try and keep up, please) I am at the lowest level, of the bottom level, of my life levels. No job, my relationship is on the skids, I'm broke, my truck is worn out, I am over weight, and on and on and so forth. So, I am giving myself one year to get my life back in order. This book will be my journal for the next 12 months, to see if I can turn things around. The way I see it, I don't have much choice. So friends, I'm givin' you a ticket to witness, first hand, my flight over the rainbow and ascend in to the heavens or to watch a crappy ol' farm house mash me into the ground while a bunch of midgets dance the merengue. Let's all see how this whole mess I have created is gonna turn out, shall we?

(This is kinda like watching Evil Knievel jump over a bunch of buses or somethin'. You know he has a chance to make it, but in back of your mind you know he will probably wind up rupturing his spline and telescoping his stupid spine)

Oh, by the way, the Cricket people made a mistake on my phone bill and I didn't owe the 230 bucks after all. Things are lookin' up already!

*********************************************************************

Here is a little song for y'all.



Adios,
~e~

9/11 Conspiracy Questions

Hello friends,

I watched this show the other day about how the United States government was responsible for the terror attacks on 9/11. I watched some snot nosed kid, who made some crappy You Tube movie, and a few other crack pots go back and forth with a professor from M.I.T. and the head of engineering at Purdue University. Now, since I'm not so smart as y'all, I have a couple of question I wish some one would clear up for me.

1) These bone heads, who call them selves 'truthers' (is that grammatically correct?) say that a plane wasn't flown in to the Pentagon, rather that it was hit with a cruise missile. Now my question is, how and where did the government murder all the passengers and crew of flight 77? And how did they stuff the bodies into the building after the explosion or did they covertly plant them in there before it blew up? I think some one would have noticed a truck load of corpses being delivered, don't you?

2) The truthers claim that the planes that hit the twin towers were remote control and the buildings were brought down by a 'controlled demolition'. Wouldn't it have been easier to leave the planes out of the equation and just say that Mohammad Atta put a bomb in the janitors closet or down in the pump room?

3) And as far as the 'controlled demolition' is concerned, they say the reason there were no detonators found was because the government used some secrete explosive device that nobody knows about. Well....I hate to look stupider, but how the hell do they know about it if nobody knows about it?

4) They say that Flight 93 was faked. I guess they murdered those guys at the same place as the cats from Flight 77, but what I don't get is, why fake a crash in a field? Why wouldn't you crash it in to something important also?

5) Here is a good one, aren't fellas from M.I.T. and Purdue more smarter than a gaggle of blithering idiots?

6) And lastly, how is it that all the people involved in this thing can keep there fat traps shut? I don't know one person that can keep a secrete, much less hundreds.

Well friends, I hope someone out there can help me out with this.

You know, I think that some people are afraid to think that something as horrific as the actions that occurred on 9/11 could be as simple as some asshole flying a plane into a building. They don't want to believe it could be that easy. Because, if it is that easy, then whats gonna happen tomorrow?

Here is a song about flying on plane.


Adios,
~e~