One More Twist

Hello friends,

Well neighbors, Tracy and I have split the beans...sort of. I don't seem to have all of my beans yet, but I'm sure that will work it's way out sooner or later (I didn't have many beans to begin with anyway) I usta think that I had bad taste in women, but I'm beginning to think that it may be me. I don't know. I hate this feeling, it's horrible.

I was watching the news today about that creep that shot up the joint where he usta work. They said he worked there 2 years ago and they acted like it was weird that he could be disgruntled that long. Let me tell you something, I lost my job a year ago. It was the first job I have ever lost in my whole life. I would have never thought that it would have cost me as much as it has. Not only did I lose a job that paid pretty well, that had good insurance, and not to mention that I truly liked, but I lost respect and self esteem. I lost confidence and drive. I lost Tracy and the pussycats. I worried my folks (one more time) I'm sleeping on a
kids bunk bed (the kid doesn't live here anymore) over on the West side where there is some loud banging coming from some goddamn factory or plant or something down by the river. I lost that comfortable feeling of my home and the sound of the sewing machine coming from the back room. I lost my late night adventures. For the exception of my immediate family, a few close friends (which includes y'all) I have lost about everything I love in this world. Not just lost, but destroyed. And you know what the worst part about it all is? Do ya? I did it all myself. No help from anyone. Like a kid smashing a model car with a hammer. Bang, bang, bang. In to a million tiny pieces. I didn't lose guilt tho. So, I guess I can be thankful for that. Yes, it's been a year and I feel worse than I did when it happened. Christ, how bad will I feel in a year from now?

It's just another twist in my downward spiral.

This is a song I wrote a few years ago. There is no video, just a picture of some dumb ol' tree. You know it's funny, I was so sad when I wrote this song and every time that I hear it, it makes me feel like I did then. It doesn't make me miss the gal I wrote it about, or really anything about that time in my life. It just makes me sad inside. I don't know.

Adios,
~e~

PS ~ The bunk bed isn't one of those cool ones that looks like a fire truck or a double-decker bus, but it does have a neat-0 ladder on the end of it. I think tonight, I'm gonna build a fort.............fuck, what's happened to me?