Thanksgiving

Hello friends,

I always write my top 10 things I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving. I write a bunch of crap that I think is clever and witty, but more often than not it's simply just that...crap. Then I splash on all of that family, friends, and health, garbage. Let's be truthful, your thankful for these things because you think your suppose to be. Are you really thankful for your family? Deep down inside yourself, where no one can see, deep in the darkness of your soul, where you don't even like to go, don't you sometimes think about how nice it would be if you hadn't gotten married and didn't have any kids? Your a liar if you say you don't.

I like all that be thankful for what you got, guff. 'There are starving kids in China' How hard is it to find someone less fortunate than yourself? If you gotta go all the way to China before finding one....well...it's probably time to fire up the Mercury, climb in, and take a nap.

Or the 'I'm thankful I'm not as bad off as someone else' junk. I should be thankful I don't have cancer like so-in-so. He's thankful he's not dead like his friend he met at the Cancer Treatment Center of America. That guys thankful he doesn't have to deal assholes like us anymore. Your in bad shape if the only thing you have to be thankful for is that you don't have some terrible disease.

Here is my list this year. Enjoy.

1) I am thankful that I don't live in China.

2) I am thankful that I don't have bubonic plague.

3) I am thankful that there are people with disease and starving so I have something to be thankful for.

4 ) I am thankful that my dick is small, that way my pants fit right.

5) I am thankful that I am to dumb to understand what's going on.

6) I am thankful that I am to ugly to get a good lookin' girlfriend, cause it doesn't hurt quite as bad when a homely chick breaks up with you.

7) I am thankful that I don't have yellow puss running out of every orifice on my body in to a vat and then force feed back to me. (I'm very thankful for that one)

8) I am thankful that I get angry instead of sad.

9) I am thankful that all of this will come to an end someday.

10) I am thankful that no one reads this shit.




Adios,

~e~

27 Year Old Girlfriend

_________________________*Break Up Update*
I don't believe she is mad at me any more, I think she just hates my guts and livers.

Hello friends,

For the past...I don't know....for sometime now, I would run into someone and they would ask if I was on 'Face Book'. I would tell them 'no', cause I wasn't. Well, last night, I was losing my mind and not being able to sleep, I went and signed up. I still haven't quite figured it out, but I got a message from an old girlfriend of mine. A 27 year old girlfriend. What I mean to say is, she was my girlfriend 27 years ago. That was such a great time in my life. And for her...well, I was her boyfriend so it goes with out saying that she probably considered herself the luckiest girl on the face of the planet. We typed back and forth in that little box thing-a-ma-jig. My typing ain't so swift so our timing got all off and she was answering the question that I wrote two questions before the last answer. I didn't know what the hell she was talking about. I thought she had busted her cerebral cam shaft. Any way, one thing led to another and we are on the phone. We talked about how much fun we had back then, even tho we couldn't remember what we actually did that was so much fun (we did remember one thing we did, and it was so much fun we did it a bunch) Then one day I decided that we should 'see other people', and friends, let me tell you, that's when all the fun came to a screechin' halt. Now then, after about 3 days of 'seeing other people' I realized that I didn't want to see other people, I wanted to have some more fun. But she had a very 'no can do' attitude about having fun with me any more. I was devastated. This was my first, truly broken heart. Then she kicked it around in the dirt a while, covered it in acid, and fed it to a monkey. Good Lord, I was miserable. Anyway (back to nowa days) she told me that she was happily married to a wonderful guy, that she had a great son, and lived in a big house in sunny southern California. I told her that I had just had the locks changed on me, no visitation rights with my pussy cats, and that I lived in a shack on the West side of the river. No, not really. I'm kidding. I didn't tell her that. I wouldn't lay my troubles on someone I haven't seen in 27 years. Besides, she would think I was some big loser. I must admit I stretched the true just a tad. Just enough to smooth out the wrinkles a bit. All I told her was that I was head of EddyTech International, a mover and shaker in the globicular nuclear atmospheric engineering and technical research field, that I was shacked up with 3 super models, and that I lived in a mansion next door to Hugh Hefner's brother, Cliff. I told her my hobbies were hand to hand tiger hunting and rescuing blind orphans. I told her that I had trained my mind to make me feel no pain and to be able to levitate old used beer bottles. That I had swam with the piranhas of the Amazon and snow boarded across flowing lave in the south pacific. I told her I had all my hair and that I don't even know how to spell Viyagra. She asked for the names and numbers of my last 3 girlfriends. But unfortunately my phone suddenly went dead...damn it!




Adios,
~e~

'Our' Song

Hello friends,

Well, the break up is still brakin'. But, while I was on guard duty here at Fort Mullet, keepin' all the normal people on their side of the river, I was thinkin' about all the smart girls that were dumb enough to get involved with me and what 'our' songs were. I drew a big fat blank. But I did come up with some songs (good or bad) that had something to do, somehow, with our relationship (good or bad) Be that as it may, whenever I hear these tunes it makes me think of that girl. Not 'That Girl' the TV show but 'the' girl I was messin' around with. Got it?

I will only use their first names soz not to embarrass any of'um. You know, cause they were my 'girl friend'. Now, this goes all the way back to 3rd grade and the first girl I ever got to smooch (who broke up with me cause I accidentally pulled her pants off ((I swear it was an accident))) so you can't really hold hangin' out with me against some of'um.

Lani ~ I'm A Believer - The Monkees

Leslie ~ Wild Fire - Michael Martin Murphy

Melodie ~ Silly Love Songs - Paul McCartney and Wings

Lee Ann ~ I Love A Rainy Night - Eddie Rabbit

Shelly ~ Here Comes My Girl ~ Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Shelly II ~ Peace, Love, and Understanding - Elvis Costello

Jana ~ To Drunk To F**k - Dead Kennedys

Lynda ~ Walk This Way - RUN DMC w/ Areosmith

Michelle ~ Don't Worry Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin

Caroline ~ True Fine Love - Steve Miller Band

Pam ~ After Midnight - Eric Clapton

Carmen ~ Walking After Midnight - Patsey Cline

Sonya ~ Pulling Mussels - Squeeze

For some reason these songs connected themselves to these girls somewhere in my mind. Some of the songs make me smile and some don't. But all of the girls make me smile, cause I tend to always think about the good parts instead of the bad ones. The fun things we did and not the fights. I think it's better that way...but what do I know.

And Tracy...well....Tracy gets two ~
I us'ta sit around the house and play this song on my guitar. Tracy loved 'The Cars'.


I sang this to her one night while dancing in the living room with no music. I really liked slow dancing with her with no music playing. I'm just weird like that. I'm just a fucking idiot.


Adios,
~e~

Birthday

-------------------------------Pogo the Clown

Hello friends,

Hey, It's my birthday! Man, am I glad I was born. My birthday wish is that all of you can be as happy as I am. I really, truly, honestly, do. Well, I guess I better go to work. I know it's Sunday and my birthday, but I just love working for people who I gotta fight to get them to pay me. I understand he doesn't have any money. Times are tough all over. I just can't figure out how his daughter goes to Casia Hall (Casia is the ultra rich, fancy pants, private school here in town) and he can afford a private trainer. I guess they take the ol' 'I don't have any money' line also.

Here is a doozy of a birthday song.


Adios,

~e~

Friday the 13th

------------Little Ethel Mermen and Jerry Lee ~ hangin' out in a box

Hello friends,

Well, I have really crawled into my cave today. Man, I don't want to go any where near outside. God only knows what will happen to me. I feel like Wylie Coyote. I wouldn't be surprised if an anvil hanging from some rock formation with a candle slowly burning the rope holding it, fell and cracked my noodle. I don't even have an umbrella to open before it drives me into the ground like a big, fat, nail. Friday the 13th is right. I wrenched my knee yesterday and I can hardly walk. I haven't slept in what seems like a year. One of my customers won't pay me because his renter fell through. (?) I don't know, but It seems to me that his renter bailing out is his problem, not mine. Somebody keeps tossing me curve balls and is making it very difficult to bat. I feel all empty inside with this kinda tickling' feeling in my stomach. I feel like there is a big spring compressed in my chest and any minute it is going to uncoil and Christ only knows what the hell is gonna happen then. I guess it will rip me to shreds. Boinggggggggg!!!

I sure miss Little Ethel Merman following me around and meow, meow, meowing. And Piggy (my first catch) playing dead and telling me when it's time for dinner. And StanleyMan (my most rewarding catch) sitting next to my chair waiting for some pets. And daddy's girl, Smudge, who has finally come around......and Tracy. And nobody knows when I'll get to see them again.

It's 3 o'clock in the AM and I can't sleep. It might be the bunk bed I made into a fort. Fort Mullet, the protector of the West Side (Dale Earnhardt shirt required ~ teeth optional) But, there has been a glimmer of light on the far side of the r-can-saw river. Frank's pregnant girl friend Angie has been completely wonderful. I didn't really know her that well before, but she has treated me like she's happy that I'm here (but I know it is an inconvenience) Even tho I tell her I'm not hungry, she always fixes me a plate of food at diner time. She made some home made chocolate chip cookies last night that were soooooo good. She is a good person and I like her (Franks OK, too)

This is for Angie. Now folks, don't take me puttin' this song on here the wrong way. This is the only song I know that has her name in it, except for that Helen Reddy song about that crazy chick, 'Angie Baby'. Plus it's a great song. Dig it.


Adios,
~e~

PS ~ If you have called and I didn't answer or haven't returned it, don't be offended. I'm hiding.

One More Twist

Hello friends,

Well neighbors, Tracy and I have split the beans...sort of. I don't seem to have all of my beans yet, but I'm sure that will work it's way out sooner or later (I didn't have many beans to begin with anyway) I usta think that I had bad taste in women, but I'm beginning to think that it may be me. I don't know. I hate this feeling, it's horrible.

I was watching the news today about that creep that shot up the joint where he usta work. They said he worked there 2 years ago and they acted like it was weird that he could be disgruntled that long. Let me tell you something, I lost my job a year ago. It was the first job I have ever lost in my whole life. I would have never thought that it would have cost me as much as it has. Not only did I lose a job that paid pretty well, that had good insurance, and not to mention that I truly liked, but I lost respect and self esteem. I lost confidence and drive. I lost Tracy and the pussycats. I worried my folks (one more time) I'm sleeping on a
kids bunk bed (the kid doesn't live here anymore) over on the West side where there is some loud banging coming from some goddamn factory or plant or something down by the river. I lost that comfortable feeling of my home and the sound of the sewing machine coming from the back room. I lost my late night adventures. For the exception of my immediate family, a few close friends (which includes y'all) I have lost about everything I love in this world. Not just lost, but destroyed. And you know what the worst part about it all is? Do ya? I did it all myself. No help from anyone. Like a kid smashing a model car with a hammer. Bang, bang, bang. In to a million tiny pieces. I didn't lose guilt tho. So, I guess I can be thankful for that. Yes, it's been a year and I feel worse than I did when it happened. Christ, how bad will I feel in a year from now?

It's just another twist in my downward spiral.

This is a song I wrote a few years ago. There is no video, just a picture of some dumb ol' tree. You know it's funny, I was so sad when I wrote this song and every time that I hear it, it makes me feel like I did then. It doesn't make me miss the gal I wrote it about, or really anything about that time in my life. It just makes me sad inside. I don't know.

Adios,
~e~

PS ~ The bunk bed isn't one of those cool ones that looks like a fire truck or a double-decker bus, but it does have a neat-0 ladder on the end of it. I think tonight, I'm gonna build a fort.............fuck, what's happened to me?