Does God Have A Sense Of Humor?

Hello friends,

Does God have a sense of humor? You bet your sweet ass he does. I'll prove it to you. Now, the last couple of years have been pretty tough. I won't go in to all of it now, just take my word for it. Well, I started to clean out my garage yesterday. My garage is not hooked up to the house, it's kinda stuck in my back yard. The driveway runs from the street, up past the house, through the gate to the garage. So, I pulled everything out of the garage and on to the driveway or in the back yard. A friend stopped by and we played some darts (real darts) where I promptly got spanked every single game. I never returned to the garage cleanin'. I get up this morning to find out it rained last night. Most of my stuff was in plastic totes with out the lids. So my stuff didn't just get wet, it got to soak. The other stuff was in card board boxes, which fell apart and left everything in the grass or on the wet concrete. I had a full rack of cloths, records, CD's, movies, electronic stuff, tools, photos, some of my paintings, etc. Most of it is ruined. I felt like it was the last straw. I thought I was going to cry. Then I hear thunder, so I'm trying to get most of it back in the garage. As I'm bringing the last rain filled tote in, I'm pushing another box on the floor over with my bare foot to make room for the one I'm holding. As I'm doing this one of those fold up metal carts, used to haul files and office things around, falls over and mashes my toes. Now you tell me, does God have a sense of humor or what?

I'm tied.




Adios my friends,
~e~

Virtual Darts General Patton vs.Hansel and Gretel

Hello friends,

Well, I'm a little pissed, a little disappointed, and a little hurt, but I'm more pissed than the other two. There is something that I haven't told y'all...cause...well...it's a little embarrassing. You see, I play virtual darts on-line, and well, I am ranked number one in the world. I'm the only American in the top ten. That is the Gods honest truth, number one. The good part is that it makes me zero dollarinos, zilch. So I don't have to worry about taxes and what to spend the money on, so that's nice. Finally something I'm good at...virtual darts...wow. Now for the last few weeks I've been hanging around 6th, give or take a place, but I have played over my head lately and made the big push to the first spot yesterday. So what, big deal right? Right. But what I'm writing about is how the damned Germans have turned on me. These two dudes, who have been the big guns forever, and who were nice as hell when they were spanking my little red, white, and blue ass blue, have started talking all kinds of trash. Like I shouldn't be # 1 cause I'm not good and how I got lucky and so on. One even called me a bitch. Now, Hansel and Gretel (as I call them) have no idea who they are messin' with. First I'm a Merican, by God. (I meant to drop the 'A' cause that's how I say it...Merican) Second, I'm an Okie. I don't care what you say, the biggest sissy form Oklahoma will beat the ever lovin' tar out of some pretzel bendin', lieder hosen wearin', Heidi from Hamburg...sorry I got off on a tangent. Anyway, those idiots thought they could have a war of words with me, the General Patton of the come back and I always cross that line. I asked one of them if they had ever won a war they started. I said it seems that y'all are good about starting things but can't seem to follow through. I told the other that I think my uncle shot his Grampa at Normandy and cut his ear off and wore it on a necklace and he brought his G'pa's blood stained helmet back and gave it to the retarded neighbor kid down the street who used it for a urinal. I asked them why the worn girls bikini bottoms when they went swimming. I said Americans couldn't wear those because it wouldn't cover our huge.......well, you know. I asked how it felt to know that there relatives were all big losers and quitters. Oh, they were big men in Poland but that didn't last long. I told them they probably have American blood cause all the Frauleins were sleeping with our GI's...and who could blame them when all they had were bikini bottom wearers. I commended them on there bang up job with the 1972 Olympic hostage situation. Who was head of security, col. Klink? And on and on and on. They don't like me much. Shouldn't have called me a bitch.







Adios,
~e~

Independence Day

---------------------------God bless America!!!

Hello friends,

Well, the 4th of July is a only a short month away and since I didn't get any Memorial Day lake invites, I have no delusions of getting one for Independence Day either. I don't matter cause I got plans already. Very important plans doing very important junk, so don't waist your time. Now, I have always kinda fancied myself a bit of a comedian. I like to pull gags and such. Everybody loves my pranks. I have an old friend that thinks it's hilarious when I make fun of him. He laughs for hours. So, here is a joke for you to do at what ever shin-dig your shin-diggin' at.

What you'll need:
1) One small American flag on a stick
2) One kazoo
3) One sparkler
4) One pair of those glasses with the big springy eye balls
5) One Flowerdy Hi-y-yan shirt

OK, after everyone has had a few adult beverages, you kinda slip into the shadows. Put on the glasses (4) Put the kazoo (2) in your mouth. Now, when you see the wife of the host of the party, wait untill her back is towards you then take off your pants. I mean strip down to nothin' but leave the flowerdy Hi-y-yan shirt (5) on. Lite the sparkler (3) and pick up the flag (1) (*note* Do NOT lite the sparkler (3) before you take off your drawers, cause you will burn your nuts when you are a slidin'um off. Trust me on this, OK, I know) Where was I? Oh yeah, Then you run up behind the wife of the host, wavin' that flag, whippin' that sparkler to and fro, hummin' 'My Sharona' on the kazoo, all the while your humpin' her back side to beat the band. I'm tellin' y'all, everyone will be in stitches. I did this gag at the last 4th of July party I was invited to, oh I guess it was in 86, and they are still talking about it. Man, what a night....wheeew!

This ain't the Knack, this is HooDoo Gurus doin' 'Like Wow Wipe Out' I love this tune.

Adios,

~e~