Sally Mae and the Westboro Baptist Church

REMOVED

Wonderin'

Hello friends,

I was thinkin', but have you noticed that everyone who is against all that health care reform business already has health care? Hummmm, just wonderin'.



Adios,
~e~

Splintered Hearts on the Wooden Deck of Love

---- James sent me this photo he took on his way back home of a 63 split.

Hello friends,

Well, I went to that party that I thought I might get clipped at...and...I guess you figured out that since I am writin' this, there was no whackin' goin' on (Man, there are so many funny things to write here that I will just have to pass) There were a ton of people there that I hadn't seen in a couple a tons of years. Phillip Young, James 'Jimi Lime' Kirsch, Joey Reidy (I actually see Joe from time to time and we see who can out talk each other. He always wins) Now, there were a few lady's there that I went to school with and the funny thing is, that everyone of them had a thing for your humble story teller at on time or another. I don't mean a couple of them or a few of them, I mean every one of them! Yes, it's true. Boy, was I shocked. What are the odds that every doll in the joint usta be daffy over yours truly? And what was even funnier was...well...I guess most of them still haven't gotten over me yet, sad to say. It must be my brutal boyish good looks or my masculine fur-moans or somethin'. True, I am a sexual Tyrannosaurus, but you would think over time they would have gotten usta mediocrity. I don't know. Oh, and the little games they played that night, a couple of them said hi and walked on by, but I was on to'um. A couple of them acted like they new my face but couldn't remember my name. Ha, good try gals. Heck, several of them had the nerve to act like they didn't even remember me at all, that's how broken up they are. And they all gave Oscar winning performances I must say. Heck, if you didn't know better you would think that they were never noggin over piggies in luuuuv with me. A gaggle of little Meryl Streeps, they were.
James told me that after I left things really went south. Suzy locked herself in the upstairs bathroom and they had to have the maid put her in a full nelson to get her out. Vicky ran out the door crying and crashed in to a tree, breaking her new designer glasses. Missy downed a 5th of Everclear, climbed up on the picnic table and started singing 'America the Beautiful' but substituted my name for America, Rebbecca kissed the refrigerator door, called it 'Eddy Bear', then punched it right in the crisper, Pam and Kathy got into a cat fight (Careful Pam, Kathy grew up with hockey players) which I heard someone video taped and has now become the number one watched video on Youtube. And Rhonda slapped Joey across the face and said something about being a man or not measurin' up or somethin' along them lines.
....but....you know....then again....I might have completely misunderstood him.

I believe this song might explain things, lady's. I like you all, but as friends.

I have recently found out that my stuff is being read over the radio bi-weekly in Asia. I guess a lot of Asianiuns don't have computers, so as a gift to them I am adding subtitles to this video. If you can read Asian, follow along.




How true is this?

Adios,
~e~

Lee Houston

Hello friends,

I heard today that an old friend of mine, Lee Houston has died. Wow, I'm floored. I haven't seen Lee in years, but man, it still hits home. I remember he lived in Johanson Acres (when I was a kid I thought that was where all the rich people lived) I remember his house backed up to the wall that surrounded the Ma-Hu (pronounced may-hue, but we all called it ma-who) Mansion. I remember he had a huge, slobbering, St. Bernard but I don't remember it's name. I remember jumping on his giant trampoline and riding his cool motorcycle. You know I have a confession to make. I have always said that 'Wipe Out' was the first rock and roll song I learned to play. Well, not exactly. It was the first song I learned to play the whole way through, but before I even owned a guitar Lee showed me how to bang out the intro to (you guessed it) 'Smoke On The Water' using only the E (top) string. I guess as much as I hate to conform or hate to be like anyone else, I am exactly the same as 10 bazillion kids who pick up their friends guitar and were taught the 'Deep Purple' classic. What a cool club to be in. Thank you for that, Lee.

My thoughts are with all of Lee Houston's family and friends.

I hope this doesn't seem inappropriate, but it seems to be the only appropriate thing to me.

This is the first song I learned to play. Smoke on the Water.

Adios,
~e~

Neat-O Stuff

Hello friends,

Wow, I got a little worked up on that whole LA Fitness shooting thing, didn't I? Oh well, sometimes I do that. So I'm gonna lighten the mood a bit. I'm gonna spear y'all some stupid story and share a few nifty things with you. Here you go.

-I think this is gonna be my new look. I hope they still make that kinda shampoo.
--------------------------------One of my fav-O-rite pin-ups
-------------------------How cool are these buildings?

-------------------------------------How cool is T-Rex?

=----------------------------==The funniest man on earth

----------------------------------Oh, mama!

--------------------------------------------Jumpin'
----------------------------------Another pin-up doosey
---------------------------------------Ninja Pussycat

------------------------------------------Doctors


----------------------------------------------------Deadbolt

I hope y'all found somethin' you liked.
Adios,
~e~

I Don't Get It

Hello friends,

I came home for lunch today. I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a diet Coke and sat down to check my e-mail. As my home page came up I saw the story about the shooting at the LA Fitness gym in Pennsylvania. It seems this George Sodini character shot the joint up and killed 3 or 4 women (conflicting reports) and wounded from 1 to 15 (more conflicting reports) He shot 36 or 53 rounds from his pistols (again with the conflicting reports) So there's a lot we don't know, but what we do know is that there are people dead. Dead and gone. Forever. And countless lives shattered into a million pieces like busted glass on the pavement. Mothers, fathers, children, friends, co-workers, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, etc, etc, etc. Why would someone want to hurt so many? Well, It seems that Georgie couldn't get himself a date with a broad, much less a girl friend, and it looks like he hadn't been laid in years. Sodini complained on his blog site of not having a girlfriend since 1984, not having a date since May 2008 and not having sex for 19 years (what the....?!?!? 19 years!?!?!?!?!)

"Women just don't like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one," he wrote in his blog.

I wonder why? Maybe because your a boring loser or have an incredibly small penis or it might be that your a homicidal creep. Ever think of that, jackass? You know, I have seen the stupidest looking dudes with a chick. I have seen fat guys and ugly guys, dimwits and freaks. Hell, I even have a girl friend. How bad do you have to be to not get to saddle up every now and then? Christ, gettin' laid is easy, cause they don't know what a dick you are yet, it's keepin' them that's hard. I can tell you right now, and I don't care who knows this, if I hadn't taken the skin boat to Tuna Town in 19 years I would be on the phone and have me one of those escorts (Prostitute, hooker, workin' girl, lady of the night, street walker, ho, whore, or what ever you want to call them) at my house before you could say Jack Robinson. I would give her the money then I would give her the pounding of her life (3 whole minutes of it) then send her on her merry way. It's simple. But, this mass shootin' shit just boggles my mind. Just because some limp peckered, saddle oxford wearin' sissy didn't get a pony for Christmas when he was 12 or some Star Trek convention goin' numb-nuts mother didn't give him enough attention which in turn made him spy on her in the shower and masturbate on her shoes, gets a gun and takes it out on people who seem to have the world by the tail. Bullshit, they have problems too. We all do, but some of us except responsibility for our problems and don't blame them on everyone else. It's not our fault you wear your mothers dirty underwear and pump your neighbors dog, Sir Barksalot.

So, why is my life so screwed up? Because, I screwed it up, that's why. I did it, not some single mother who is trying to raise her son, make ends meet, and get her life back on track, you stupid mother fucker. So why can't these week, week, buckets of puss and piss stand up, put there balls on, and be a man? Because they are not men. A real man would try to save those lady's. A real man would be their protector. I guess the general consensus was that Sodini wasn't a man, hell he couldn't get a member of the opposite sex to give him a hand job much less fornicate with him. But I will give him this, at least the sorry son-of-a-bitch shot himself. Bravo. He also wrote ~

Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.

Fuck you. If there is a God, your ass is fricasseed my friend. Deep fried. You think it was tough here, try to find a girlfriend in Hell.

I think about those people that have to go home to an empty house that shouldn't be empty. It is the loneliest place in the world. The sounds of foot steps down the hall or the refrigerator opening, sounds you never think about until silence takes their place. The only sound you can hear is the sound of your heart breaking. Ain't it deafening.

I wrote a song a few years back called 'Strung Out'. It had a couple of lines in it that went ~

"I miss that sweet smell of home.
And it was home cause it smelled like you"

Here is the saddest song in the world..
Adios,

~e~

Cleanin' What I Spill't

-------------------------------------------Beelzebub

Hello friends,

Well, now I went and done it. I was cleaning up something I spill't day before yesterday in the 'Man Cave' (my garage). It was something pretty dern corrosive and my dumb ass knocked it over on some particle board (that's where they take a bunch of little pieces of wood and mash'um all together into one big piece of wood) I was in a hurry so I grabbed a wad of paper towels and was doin' the ol' 'wax on wax off' like Mr. Miyagi on speed when I subsequently shoved a hunk of wood smack dab in the middle of my middle finger on my right hand. My flippin' off finger. Now, the splinter thing is not new to me, this kinda thing happens all the time. So, after I said a few choice words, I dropped the paper towels, and stated to find the splinter to dig it out. Then my hand burst into flames. And not regular flames, these were invisible inferno flames brought up from the depths of Hell by Beelzebub himself and spit on to my finger from his nasty old snuggled toothed mouth. I guess the splinter was coated with that crap I was cleaning up. Good lord friends, I thought I was gonna cry. This was not new to me. And what's worse is, I had to take a knife and slit my finger to get to the splinter that was covered in molten lava and was gushin' in to my veins. So there I was, whackin' and sawin' away at my middle digit with my left hand (I'm right handed), dancin' around in circles, tryin' to get that thing out for cryin' out loud. Well, I finally got it, but it looks like Jack the Ripper gave me a manicure. Now my finger is all swollen up, blue, and sore to beat the band. I'm not even gonna tell you what is comin' out the hole I hacked in my flipper offer. Well, I'll let you all know if my finger falls off. If it does, I'm gonna make a necklace out of it and give it to Tracy for Christmas. Let's see someone top that.

----------------------- My finger before the incident.

Here is a couple of songs about the devil.





Adios,
~e~

My Glamor Shot

Hello friends,

I have had a couple of comments about the photograph at the top of the 'How Dumb Do I Look' story. First, I would like to thank some of you for answering that question and letting me know how dumb I actually look. Secondly, yes that is your humble story teller. The photo was taken about 5 years ago by my friends girlfriend at my old apartment. It was about 8:00 AM, one fall morning after I had just returned from a long, wonderful night
hi-jinx, shenanigans, and debauchery (note the bags under my eyes) She was there picking up something for my friend and trying to find out what I did that night. She is one of those nosy chicks that had to be in the middle of everything. It was killing her. I just wanted her to leave so I could go to bed. I love this photo for the fact that the Coca-Cola coffee mug has Coca-Cola soft drink in it was a pure accident. All my glasses were dirty so I used a cup. I didn't realize it was a Coke cup till I got the picture. Isn't that amazing?!?!?! As I was pouring my drink she kept prying, I walked to my bedroom door and lifted my cup as to say 'Adios' and she snapped this photo and I went to bed. I like the way Elvis is back ground, and I think I'm the only guy to ever wear a 'Ramones' T-shirt with a green Cardigan sweeter. And my hair, what a riot. This is what a pompadour looks like 12 hours, a few Bushmills, and a few other things I can't mention, later. It is a funny reminder to a great, great night. And man let me tell you, there ain't much that feels better than crawling in to a clean bed, after being up all night. Not much at all.

Well, Paul McCartney hasn't sent me any tickets yet. I would have thought that after he read my story on the high price of tickets he would have felt bad and sent me a couple, but nope. I know he had to have read it. My blogs are the 3rd most read in the U.S.A. and 8th most read on the other 9 continents. Well Sir Paul, I wouldn't take any tickets from you now even if you through that crappy old Hofner bass in to sweeten the deal. You can kiss my John Lennon lovin' ass.

----------------------------------------This is a Hofner bass
Here is what a Hofner bass sounds like. I won't mention the name of who is playin' it but it is 'beyond the moon' genius.


Adios,
~e~

How Dumb Do I Look?

Hello friends,

Neighbors, let me ask you something. How dumb do I look? Well, I'm tellin' you it must be pretty darn dumb cause if they think I'm gonna fall for it they are crazy. You see, I got an e-mail from a "friend" yesterday. I opened it to find it was an invitation to a party. Great, I love parties. Now it seems that the party is for another old "friend" who I went to high school with. I guess he's ridin' a greyhound up from one of those really hot inferno states that are chalk full of cacti, snakes, and cracked earth (Sounds like heaven...no, wait a minute. That is not what it sounds like) The old "friends" name is James Kirsch. If that name sounds familiar, it should because I wrote a story a couple of stories back about a vision named Julie Kirsch. Now, the names being similar is no coincidence, James is Julie's younger brother (It's funny how that beauty gene hits some people right in the mush but will fly past others like a SR-71. Humm, doesn't seem fair, does it?) Anyway, I don't believe him coming in to town is a coincidence either. It's lookin' like I have besmirched the Kirsch family name with that whole 'face was right at boob level' statement. It looks like Jimi 'the Lime' Kirsch and his hired goon Suzy 'the Belding' Stewart are fixin' the wack me. It's a hit, friends. A good, old fashion, Machine Gun Jack McGurn, button pushin'. (Who do they think they are they, the Gambinos?)----------------------------------- Machine Gun Jack McGurn

I can see it now, I'm standin' on the front porch, my hair combed and parted on the side, my shirt tucked in to my navy blue Haggar double knit slacks, and a copy of the Frampton Comes Alive album in my hand (You should always bring a gift. It's just good manners) I look like it's picture day at MacArthur Elementary School. I can hear the music coming from the other side of the door. It sounds like they are really living it up in there. There is a note taped to the door bell that reads ~

----------------------------'JUST COME ON IN'

I strut through the door only to find the room empty. While thinking that I must be early, I hear the door close. I turn around and the last thing I remember is seeing Jimi 'the Lime' swingin' a sack of door knobs right at my ol' cabbage. And that's how I wind up in the gullet of a 7ft channel cat somewhere below the Keystone dam, damn it.

---------------------------------------The Keystone Dam
------------------------------------------7ft Catfish

But you see, I'm to smrt for them. I know it's a set up because I hardly ever never get invited to parties. And if I do I usually get beat up by someone. I remember the last time I went to a party, someone clubbed me from behind with a frozen ham and the next thing I know, I'm waking up on a city bus headed for 36th Street North and Lansing, buck naked with a pair of those funny glasses with the springy eye balls duct taped to my head. Oh no, I'm not gonna fall for that one three times.

So you have fun at your party Jimi 'the Lime'. You, and your torpedo Suzy 'the Belding'. But I just want you to know that while your not using ol' Eddy as a human pinata, ol' Eddy will be hiding someplace like big ol' girl, listening to 'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing' and thinkin' about dippin' and spinin' your sister from one end of the Pink Barn to the other. Just like I did in 7th grade.

Here is Peter Frampton before his solo thing in 1969. This is Humble Pie doing their complete 'Little Queenie' rip off 'Natural Born Boogie'.

Here is Jerry and Keith kickin' lil' Queenie.

I remember when I usta fly one of these babies a few years back...but I can't talk about it. It's top secrete.

Adios,
~e~