Hello Friends, Hey, Oklahoma has a state rock 'n' roll song! The Governor signed some very important document and we got the honor of paying for it with our tax dollars. And best of all, the song that was chosen really rocks. It rocks out, man! The song that won was 'Mind Games' by John Lenn........oh wait, I'm sorry, that's the song it sounds exactly like. It was 'Do You Realize' by the Flaming Lips. Man-O-man, I wonder if Gov. Henry realizes that that song sucks. Christ, I was looking over the nominees and it was pitiful. I did my part and voted for 'Home Sweet Oklahoma' by Leon Russell. J.J. Cale would have been great, as would have Wanda Jackson. But The Call or The All-American Rejects? And who the hell is John Moreland and the Black Gold Band? Black Gold Band??? What kind of stupid name is that for a band? That's as bad as the Charburger Band or the Muskogee Tractor Pull Band. I hate band names with the word band in the name. Why didn't Hanson get nominated? They are as rock -n- roll as the Flaming Lips. They completely forgot Eddie Cochran. And you know who else they forgot? Take a stab in the dark with a fork. Me, by God, that's who. And you wanna know why I didn't get nominated? Cause it's a conspiracy that the Governor started that's why. He has never forgiven me for that time I accidentally mashed his foot with a crochet mallet while tring to kill a spider at Mardi Gras back in 94. And you wanna know why I deserve it? Well, I'm gonna tell y'all. I deserve it cause it takes big balls to be as crappy as I am and still get up there and do it. That's why, damn it. If you haven't had the pleasure of seeing one of my shows, trust me, it's awful. It's easy if your talented. Big bunch of gifted sissies, that's what they are. Sissies, I tell you.
But, I guess I should be happy that our state rock 'n' roll song was ripped from John Lennon and not Styx. Yuck!
Here are some good ol', down home, Oklahoma boys that voted for Hamp Baker, drank whiskey behind the Cains Ballroom, and swam at the Blue Whale. Here are the Druckers.
Why is it that every time we finish a chapter in the book of life it always ends sad? Somebody dies or someone leaves or something bad happens. And how come it is always some other person who writes the ending to the chapter? I guess now I understand why some people commit suicide, so they can write the ending of the final chapter themselves. I guess that is about the only thing we really have control of.
This is one of those songs that I wish I had wrote. I have written a million songs, trying to get something close, but all I got was just another broken heart.
Hello friends, My sister Dana and her friend Beth came into town from Richmond the other day. I drove up to Bartlesville, where they were staying with my folks, and brought them back to the big city. Dana and Beth, being a couple of hayseeds from Virgina, had never been to a casino before, and I, always looking for an excuse, offered to take them to that new, fancy shmancy saw dust joint on the south end of town. Shadow River or Silver Creek or Slippy Lagoon or something along them lines, Casino. I was very impressed. I think the people running the place were happy it met my approval. Now, my players club cards at other casinos all read Douglas Wells, but you guys all know I go by my middle name, Eddy (Edward) . So when I got my players club card at Squirtin' Stream Casino I told the lady that was fixin' me up that I didn't go by Douglas. She said OK, what do you go by. Now friends, I wanted to say Eddy, I had every intention of saying Eddy, but what came out of my mouth was....Jocko. So my card reads 'Jocko Wells'. Jocko??? Don't ask me. It was funny to here the page over the whole casino, JOCKO WELLS, YOU SEAT IS READY AT THE 2/5 NO LIMIT TABLE, JOCKO WELLS. I did teach Dana how to turn 3 Kings and 130 dollars into a big egg (0). She was impressed. The buffet was pretty good. Dana and Beth paid for it which made it even better. Now friends, don't hold this against me, but Dana and Beth were playing the penny slots. I know, it was embarrassing, How could any sister of mine play penny slots? That ain't gambling, that's waisting your time. Hell, it wasn't even a slot machine, it was some under the sea, fancy fishin' game. I couldn't figure out what the hell was goin' on with the damn thing. She would have...say...230 credits, hit the button and the wheels would start spinning (and there must have been 7 of them) They would stop on...say...a red fish, a blue fish, a dumb ol' turtle, another blue fish, a yellow fish, some crusty ol' crab, and a slimy hunk of kelp. Lights would ring and bells would flash, lines would shoot all over the screen, the bonus sign would blink, the yellow fish would turn into the word 'WILD'. Then the blue fish jumps into the fish bowl so you gotta pick a can. The whole time this is going on, the most God awful lounge music is playing over and over and over and over and over. This lasted for about 20 minutes. When all the commotion stopped, I looked up to see how big the fortune was that she just won and the sign said 222 credits. ??? Some how she lost 8 cents. But I will say, it was at least a 45 cent production. Call me crazy, but sometimes it seems like the odds are all in the casinos favor.
My pussy cat, Little Ethel Merman, has lost his little pea pickin' mind. He does nothing but get in to trouble. He climbs up inside the chimney. He runs through the house like sprint car. He won't go around anything, he feels he must jump over it. He sends my basket of vitamins and aspirins that sit on top of the fridge crashing to the floor in the middle of the night. He meow, meow, meows, all the time. He tears up the paper. He knocks all the crap off my dresser. He drinks out off my glass when I'm not lookin'. He claws at my chair. He bothers me when I'm taking a shower. And I think he's even hidden my keys from me once or twice. Don't let the photo fool you, he may be the devil! Maybe his problem is that he was named after that loud mouthed Broadway singer and actress. He got the name because he can't keep his yapper shut, just like her.
Maybe I will pack him up and mail him to Brazil.
Here is Ethel Merman (the lady with the hat) in one of the funniest movies ever. If her mouth was any bigger it would have hinges on it.
I have come here to provide inspiration and guidance to the masses. To walk, talk, teach, and train my brothers and sisters through this mine field we call life. A shepherd if you will, holding the Mag light of wisdom and shine it's yellow beam upon the dark path of knowledge so you, my flock, can find your way home. So, my children I sayth unto you....ah....hum....aw, who the hell do I think am I kiddin', just forget I said all that stupid crap.
